Things You Should Never Say To A Cancer Patient

Hey guys!

How you doin’?
Well, I’m ok… just over here sitting pretty. Don’t mind me. I know every now and then I’ll crack a joke (or two)! But this post is a little bit different because it’s about something serious… something I have noticed during my cancer journey…. something I think is very important and I would like to address because sometimes, some people might not know better. And you know what they say: if you know better, you do better 🙂

Quite honestly, I didn’t think this was a post to write because I thought some things were just obvious. But assumptions are overrated. I only felt a need to write about this because it wasn’t an incident that happened once, it happened to me on several different occasions and as I started to talk with other women on this journey, they mentioned similar experiences of how shocked they were about something a family member said, or a friend asked.

So here I am… about to tell you about some things you should NEVER say to (or ask) a cancer patient; well, only if you are extremely close to them, and only if you can gauge your level of comfort with them and use that to determine what boundaries should (or should not) be crossed. So here are some things you should never say, period-t! ( hope you can handle some sarcasm… I will be serving up a healthy dose of it.)

Here we go…

1.) You are strong; you can handle anything

I don’t know where to start with this one. It’s a bit tricky actually because some people say this to offer a compliment. However, depending on your tone and delivery, it can actually be disrespectful. It asserts that the person is justified in having the disease because they have the strength to go through it. Yes, I know people say, “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle” and I’m sure that’s what that statement is trying to express. But in the case of cancer, patients don’t feel that they deserve it (and truly no one does) so it is absolutely important not to assume that they have the disease because they are resilient. If anything, they have to be resilient because they have the disease! Maybe a better way of expressing this would be to say, “I’m proud of how far you’ve come. Keep going!” or, “I’m inspired by your zeal to fight. Let me know how I can be there for you” (or at least some variation of that). I’m not telling you how to compliment someone, but don’t leave any comments open to interpretation. In addition, don’t ever assume that a person can handle anything because you think they are strong. Sometimes, people have to muster strength because, in the face of challenges, they have no option but to be strong. I know I’ve heard this one quite a bit, and I acknowledge that I know it was well-intended. Thank you for encouraging me. I do value your support.

2.) But you’re not old…

I know Naomi, that’s exactly how I felt when I heard that one!😂🤣😜 You’re right, I’m not old (or maybe I am… who knows? 🤷‍♀️ I mean really, I’m not a member of the Birthday Brigade). Whatever the case, it is absolutely a fallacy to assume that you have to be old to have breast cancer or any cancer for that matter. Think about it… cancer is not partial. Any gender, any age, any ethnicity, and all types of genetic pools will predispose a person to cancer. There are young women as young as 19 or 20 years who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. And yes, there are also older women who have the disease or survived it. But either way, one end of the age spectrum isn’t safer than the other. If you feel any signs or symptoms, be sure to go to your doctor immediately. Don’t ever brush it off on account of your age. It’s not worth it. And that also goes for you men… yes… men do have breast cancer as well. Don’t assume that it’s impossible because you are a man. Go to your doctor. Please and thank you.

3.) At least you’ve lived your life

Sigh… 😪 Lived, or not… that’s not appropriate to say. This statement purports that it’s alright that they have cancer because they have had a full life. There is no age that would warrant a person going through cancer treatment and there are definitely no grounds to justify it. Even if a person has checked off their bucket list, even if their life was long and fulfilled, it still doesn’t make it alright to make this statement, even if lightheartedly. Maybe it would be better to say, “I hope you find purpose in life as you go through this experience, and cherish all the wonderful memories that you’ve already made while looking to the future to make many more.” Listen, I’m not exactly writing the script here, just offering some insight. But don’t tell anyone at least they’ve lived their lives. It’s just rude.

4.) At least you still look good

I know cancer can be tasking on the body. But maybe it is more appropriate to say, “I’m glad you’re healing well.” or “It’s great to have you back!” The “look good” statement implies that all cancer patients look like crap (which honestly can be true sometimes because chemotherapy is brutal!) But to say at least you still look good implies that you expected them to look like ~~shit~~… (ahem, sorry)… to look tired. (yes, tired was the word I was looking for). If you really want to say something, just say, ” you look lovely today.” I’m sure anyone can appreciate that. Also, don’t feel the need to also say they look good if they look exhausted. They will feel uncomfortable because it’s obvious that isn’t genuine (though well-intended). A simple “how are you feeling today?” should cover that.

Don’t tell them at least they still look good if you happen to see their scars. Maybe you should stick to, “I’m happy you are in a place where you are embracing your new body” or “let your scars be a reminder of how far you’ve come.” Cancer patients go through all kinds of emotions… its important to be emotionally sensitive and intelligent. Don’t walk on eggshells, but don’t also say anything that might make a bad situation worse.

5.) Phew! Thank goodness you already have a kid /kids

I’m not going to get into reproductive rights. Let’s just leave that at that.

6.) Did it hurt when you had surgery?

Hhhhmmmm… let me see… what happens if you take a knife and cut yourself with it? (lightbulb goes off in my head!)
1.) Maybe you’ll scream
2.) Maybe you’ll bleed
3.) But definitely, you’ll hurt.
And no amount of morphine in the world validates the pain one goes through. So cut it out! (no pun intended)

7.) Was the treatment expensive?
Listen, I don’t know about expensive, but I do know it’s not free. What may be expensive to me, may not be expensive to you and vice versa. But one thing is for sure, if you want to send me some cheese, I won’t say no! 🤑

8.) What size are your boobs?

9.) What filler did you use?

This is not a question you should be asking anyone unless you are EXtremely CLOSE to them. And even then, don’t overestimate your relationship with that person. If you have a haunch that they might be offended, say no more. Better safe than sorry. Make sure the person is in a sharing mood and feels comfortable doing that. But to answer your question: it’s either saline or silicone.

10.) Can I see it?

And the biggest no-no: (Yes, I saved the best for last. Drum roll please…)

You’re so lucky! You got a free boob job!
Oh, my sweet Lord!

Where do I even begin? Boob job… really??? I don’t know which is worse: the free or the boob job.
I’m still scratching my head over this one

Can anyone possibly be this ignorant? Gimme a sec let me think…

Sigh. I can’t come up with anything. I don’t even know what to say. This was at the top of my list but then I figured, I’m probably going to go on a rant so let me save the best for last. You know how they say: a picture speaks a thousand words. How do I delicately say this…

It isn’t a boob job!

This isn’t about boob-jobs for everyone!
You get some tits! You get some tits! Everyone gets some tits! (Yikes! No thanks.)

I know I’ve been lighthearted about this situation. But do you see how ridiculous it is to say something like that? Do you see how demeaning that sounds? Do you see why it is inappropriate to say that to a cancer patient/survivor?

I will let it slide this time, but please… don’t ever say that again