You Have To Come In Again

“You have to come in again.”
“Really? I mean is there a particular reason why?”
“We just want to make sure our preliminary tests were properly done. In addition, we see some abnormal activity in your lymph nodes that we would also like to biopsy and send to the pathologist. So yes, I know you’ve already been through this before, and we apologize for the inconvenience, but you have to come in again.”

So here I am, sitting in the lobby, waiting for my name to be called. I don’t know if it’s anxiety creeping up again, but I keep tapping my right foot up and down in a repetitive motion, until my cousin finally puts his hands on my knee, as if to steady them.

“It’s ok. We’ve already heard the worst. I mean, how bad could it be from here on out?”

Hhhmmm… Let me just sip my tea.

I wanted to believe him, but this pit in my stomach, well, it felt like a pit leading to hell. And this is why. Before a person gets diagnosed with cancer there are a series of tests that must be performed. In my case, there were breast exams, mammograms, ultrasounds, and an MRI. The biopsy came at the tail end and simply put, it is usually just a confirmatory test from the Pathologist stating: Yes, we’ve taken your tissues and for sure, your tissues have cancerous cells. So given that I already had a diagnosis, why was I sitting in this waiting room about to undergo another painful procedure? Before I get into that, let’s start from the top and maybe that will help explain why I felt like I was losing my mind, literally.

After I had a breast exam at my doctor’s office and my “suspicious” lump was palpated, I started to get worried. Now I am not going to tell you all the symptoms I presented with right away; that is for another post. I just wanted to explain here why I felt distraught about having to go through these procedures again. The main procedure that was repeated was the biopsy, but let me explain what the others were about so you can see why I was ready to leave already.

After the breast exam, I came in on a separate day for the mammogram. Now, the mammogram is just an x-ray of the breast, and they are typically used to screen for breast cancer. A technician takes your breasts, holds each one in their hands, and places it between two glass plates that sort of squish it together like a pancake. The flatter your breasts are, the more resolution the images have so for someone who has dense breast tissue (like myself), this can be VERY painful. Then you have to hold your breath while the images are taken. Sometimes, these images may include your lymph nodes if the physician suspects nodal involvement. This procedure was initially done on my left breast, where I had a suspicious lump. Today, however, I got a two-for-one. I got the right breast done this time -just in case, as the doctors didn’t want to miss anything. And I know I was in pain at the time but honestly speaking, for that, I am grateful.

On a separate day (after my mammogram), I came in for an ultrasound. Basically, it was already confirmed that “something” was there. The doctors just wanted to know what that “thing” was made of. Is it a cyst? Is it a nodule? Was it fluid-filled, or was it solid? These types of questions help the physician narrow down what the diagnosis could be.

Here comes the biopsy. The biopsy is the only definitive way to make a diagnosis of breast cancer. During the biopsy, the doctor uses a specialized needle with a clip at the end that penetrates the tissue, and using an X-ray on a screen for guidance, the doctor is able to literally break off samples of the suspicious tissue inside your body. They sometimes will give you a pain killer to help numb the pain, but that is beside the point. You are awake throughout the procedure and that stuff is painful! You literally hear a loud clicking sound, like pushing down a stapler over a huge stack of papers. Then, another insertion is made to insert little metal markers inside your body at the tumor sites. All of this to say, it is invasive and it is painful. And I was already done and diagnosed if I may add. So why am I here?

So most people have one biopsy. But woohoo, lucky me! I get two… And how did I feel after that?

But that was only the beginning. The next day, I am in severe pain and unable to move the left side of my upper body when I get a call from the office. The results from my second biopsy are in. It didn’t really sound like this but let me sum it up to you how I felt when I heard it: “We know we told you you had cancer, and we know how bad you must feel right now. But the catch is, the situation is a little worse than we thought. It hasn’t only been spreading in your breast tissue, we believe it has affected your lymph node too. We couldn’t confirm that the first time because we got fatty tissue from your lymph node instead of actual tissue.” So in essence, that was why I had a second biopsy done.

Forgive me for saying this but I am going to be as open, honest, raw and transparent about my breast cancer journey as I can be. If you suspect that it may offend you as a reader, well, quit while you are ahead. Here, I express all my emotions based on how I felt them and my state of mind. People have different reactions to different procedures, and what might have been a  minimal experience for one, was intense for others. My biopsies were not only very painful, but I had almost seven insertion points (in my left breast alone), then one in my left lymph node, and some tissue extracted from my right (just in case). Please also keep in mind that I had this procedure done twice! I was in pain for days, and I bled for days. Once my blood started to clot, I developed a new phenomenon known as “chording” which is how the doctors explained it to me. What happens is, your body starts to heal and blood clots form, but they, however, occlude the little veins in your breast. This occlusion causes blood to back up in little veins that are not wide enough and the veins start to swell up as the blood starts to pool upstream. Eventually, when multiple (or if multiple) veins get occluded, your breast ends up feeling like a bag of serpents just swimming around. Eventually, though, the blood clots naturally dissolve and circulation returns to normal. Below are pictures I took after my second biopsy.

So what did I do after the doctor informed me about the new situation regarding my lymph nodes? All I could muster to say was, “Okay, thank you for your call.” I hung up. Not even the icepack I currently had in my underarm to help soothe my pain, redness and swelling would cool me off.

How do I feel now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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