Don’t Just Say I’m Praying For You

There are many ways to show support for a cancer patient or a recovering one but unfortunately, a lot of people think it is purely financial. While finances play a major part in their healing process and are greatly appreciated (because let’s face it: there are treatments, doctors’ visits, drugs, insurance premiums, copays and everything in between), there are just certain small gestures that go a long way if you are not in a position to offer financial assistance. Here are twelve surefire ways you can show support to a friend or family member with cancer, without having to break the bank.

1.) Loneliness and Depression: while nobody likes it, understanding that a cancer patient is going through a lot can help you accept their situation and offer the compassion they need in order to endure it. Remember, they’re dealing with pain, frustration, mood swings, invasive procedures, menopause and everything else! The last thing they need is feeling that they are a burden to their loved ones, or feeling like they are misunderstood because of their physical and emotional state. They should not have to explain or justify their loneliness to you; Afterall, not everyone has cancer and feeling like they are the ones who got the shorter end of the stick can make cancer patients question their very existence and feel alienated from the world. They have a tough journey ahead of them. Do not make it tougher. Be sure to encourage them and reassure them that they are not on this journey by themselves, and to engage in activities that they find soothing and relaxing. Also, allowing them to go through the pain as opposed to telling them to get over it, can give them the closure and inner peace they need to accept their situation and then fight it head-on.

2.) End-Times: Two things in life are sure; we will all live, and we will all die. While not all cancer patients face this dilemma, cancer is one of those illnesses that can sometimes be terminal. In some cultures, talking about death seems to be a taboo. This way of thinking can sometimes be limiting. If their prognosis is bad, allowing a cancer patient to talk about their final days can allow them to make preparations for their end of life. If they want to make plans to have their loved ones taken care of when they are gone, support them by asking the necessary questions and contacting the appropriate parties. Do they have a will in place? Are there finances or assets that need to be secured for their loved ones? Is there a lawyer or designated power of attorney that can execute this will? Do they fully understand the outcome of their decisions? Is there any life insurance in place? How would they like to be buried, cremated, etc? Are there any family heirlooms or important documents and deeds that need to be passed on? If they have children is there a designated party to take custody or guardianship of them? Is there a trust set up on behalf of their children to cover future expenses, college, etc? Do they want to stay with family until they pass on or would they prefer the comforts of hospice care? Are there any last rites or religious sacraments that they would like to take? Asking important questions and delegating tasks can offer a cancer patient, especially one who is terminal, the peace of mind they need to move on into the next chapter of their life -death.

3.) Don’t just say “I’m praying for you.”: Now this can be tricky. There is a lot of comfort in knowing that people are praying for your quick recovery. However, a lot of people do say this but more as a way of offering encouragement, and not because they actually do it. (Don’t get me wrong; If you do pray, then that’s a good thing.) While encouragement is great, taking a moment to actually pray with a cancer patient, or any patient for that matter, instead of just telling them that you are praying for them, can make a huge difference. It could be just a short prayer at the end of a visit, or a mass intention at a church service, or a prayer line over the phone. Whatever the belief, whatever the religion and whatever the route, patients who actually listen to prayers being lifted up for them, can get the inspiration and hope they need to bounce back. A friend of mine recently called me and mentioned that she wanted to pray on the phone with me. While I know she had already been praying for me, hearing her utter words of grace and divine intervention gave me the boost I needed for that day!

4.) Offer Physical Support or Time: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Some patients need support more than anything else. The pain, fatigue and physical exertion from treatment can greatly incapacitate a lot of patients. Offering physical support not just in their personal space but also in their activities of daily living can greatly benefit these patients. Asking to assist with picking up their groceries, doing a load of laundry, preparing a meal or offering your time and company are little gestures that make cancer patients know they are not alone on their journey.

A phone call to check on them or a friendly text message can let them know they are thought of. Depression and loneliness are two major emotions usually experienced by most cancer patients. Offering time and support, sharing a cup of tea, browsing over old pictures and simply indulging in an activity that can take their mind off things for a while, can allow a cancer patient to prune and nurture their mental state towards one of well-being and wholeness.

5.) Don’t Talk Too Much and Don’t Talk Too Little: This is what I mean; Don’t talk too much about the disease but don’t gloss over it either. Balance is important and that goes for anything in life. Talking too much about a cancer patient’s illness can bug them down and remind them of the pain they are already dealing with which can come across as negative. On the other hand, don’t pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. Acknowledging their limitations as a result of the disease and offering compassion and aid as needed are great ways to help their emotional and mental state. Don’t treat a cancer patient differently either simply because of their illness. If they are still able to perform certain tasks for themselves, allow them to do so and retain their independence and dignity.

6.) Don’t put a time limit on their grief: Have you ever heard someone say, “they should have gotten over it by now”? I know I have and putting it quite bluntly, it is wrong. People are different and there is no ascribed period of time for which a person can grief be it for an illness or the loss of a loved one. Cancer is a difficult diagnosis because it doesn’t only affect the patient; it affects everyone else around them. As the patient continues to battle with their disease, and as the loved ones continue to care for these patients, show compassion and understanding by listening to them and standing in their corner. Offer a shoulder if they need to cry, or a listening ear if they need to talk. But never judge or criticize them about any emotion they experience, and even worse, how long it is taking them to experience it. Remember, it is time that heals all wounds, even if it takes longer for others than most.

7.) Continue to Offer Help: When cancer patients initially get diagnosed, they tend to receive an overwhelming amount of support from loved ones, family, friends, and their community. Over time, this support gradually dwindles as people return to the pressures of their own lives. Patients can start to feel alone again on their journey towards healing or feel a sense of abandonment. While it is important to prioritize one’s family and personal goals, be sure to reach out every now or then if you can to check on them. Don’t be afraid to ask if there is anything you can do to assist them.

8.) Don’t Ignore or Minimize their Fears: Cancer patients can experience a roller coaster of emotions from when they first get diagnosed up until they get into treatment and then remission. Each new phase comes with a new set of challenges, and sometimes, patients will voice their fears and anxiety to those closest to them. If that person happens to be you, do encourage them, but don’t ignore or minimize their fears. Rather, reassure them of ways that they can overcome these fears by seeking possible solutions or different alternatives to deal with the task at hand. Disregarding or minimizing their fears can be disrespectful and hinder their willingness to open up and seek help in coping with their disease. If all else fails, pray!

When I first got diagnosed, one of the main fears I experienced was, “Am I going to die?” Now, this is a valid question. Up until the period when cancer is actually staged and graded, there is no real formula to determine what your odds are. And even then, you’re still not out of the woods. My fears stemmed mainly from the fact that my aunt and my grandmother had previously passed from breast cancer and I had witnessed them suffer a great deal. Some cancers are more aggressive than others. My cancer for instance, which was an invasive ductal carcinoma, had already left my milk ducts and spread clockwise within the fatty tissue in my breast. Unusual activity in my lymph nodes added the anxiety that I initially experienced because lymph node activity can lead to metastasis which in turn can eventually become terminal if not aggressively treated. While I tried to stay strong, the first proactive thing I did was to go online to find the mortality rates of those with my type of breast cancer, and the survival rates as well. Understanding your numbers and your treatment options is everything and can offer some peace of mind and prepare you mentally for what’s ahead.  So yes, while we will all die anyway, I did worry about the prognosis of my illness.

I worried about my son, Ian. I worried about if cancer would leave me incapacitated to care for him after I had gotten through the treatment, and also about whether I would even survive the disease to be around to raise him. Now, this is not me being pessimistic. These are honest fears that I experienced. To anyone who is a parent, and even those who are not, you can surely understand what it means to not be around for your family and loved ones.

After I was told that my cancer was ER and PR positive (Estrogen and Progesterone), I worried about if I would be able to have more children. A woman needs these hormones for ovulation and conception. However, my tumors were being fed by these same hormones, and for treatment to be successful, their lifeline would have to be shut down. I understood the implications of my diagnosis. As a matter of fact, I went as far as visiting a fertility clinic to see what my options were about harvesting my eggs and freezing them.  But then I quickly reminded myself that I at least have one child who is an amazing son and that there are so many children out there looking for homes and loving families to grow up with. I quickly redirected my attention to focus on healing, rather than having more children. After all, it is not a dead person that can conceive. I need to be around first to do so.

Having fears is not bad in itself. It is human. We all have fears, no matter what they might be and voicing them or choosing not to, doesn’t change the fact that they do exist. But being rational, seeking out solutions to the problems and trusting in God’s plan and purpose for you, are a few ways to stay reassured and hopeful through the process.

9.) Don’t Disappear: It can be tasking caring for a loved one with a grave illness and wanting to get away can seem like a viable option. Be sure to take time for yourself as a friend and or caregiver. Remember you need your space too. However, don’t vanish into thin air. Need I say more? Refer to #7

So yeah, definitely don’t disappear. We all need each other.

10.) Don’t Hold it Against Them: As you show your support in different ways by reaching out either through calls or text messages, remember that as you are calling them, several other people might be doing so as well. Patients can sometimes get overwhelmed with the number of calls and text messages they have to respond to. Not only that, they spend long days at the hospital for doctor’s appointments and treatments. If patients don’t respond immediately, be patient with them. Treatments and infusions absorb the better part of their day, fatigue is a major side-effect of most chemo drugs and rest is also part of their healing process. Exercise some patience and understanding if they don’t get back to you immediately. I’m sure they appreciate the gestures and if and when time permits, they will get back to you eventually.

This is not to contradict #7. It is to explain why you might get a delay in response time. Accommodating their preferred method of communication might be a helpful tip to consider. If they respond quickly to voice notes as opposed to text messages or phone calls, then send them a voice note.

11.)  Don’t Give Advice, Unless Asked: This is not to be confused with “mind your business”. When cancer patients are first diagnosed, they may receive a lot of advice from friends and family who genuinely wish them well. It is ok to forward an article you may have come across which they might find insightful, but calling them up and actually asking them to “drink this” or “eat that” because “it worked for my grandmother” or “my spouse” can sometimes come across as disrespectful. Remember that each patient is different and what worked for one may not work for another. Besides, there is a whole whirlpool of information out there on cancer research and various treatment remedies. Exercising diplomacy and tact in how you deliver the message can make all the difference. Unless you are absolutely close to them, or your opinion is solicited, don’t offer medical advice. Cancer patients often share tips with each other about how to overcome some side effects they experience, but this is not to be confused with telling someone to do something because it is what will heal them. In addition, don’t chastize a patient for their preferred mode of treatment. Some people might take a holistic approach while others endure aggressive chemo treatments. Whatever route they choose to go, supporting them in their ultimate path to healing is what should count.

12.) Don’t Patronize Them: A lot of times, people have a misconception about the role that cancer patients played in the diagnosis of their own illness. People often assume they are sick because they must not have done something right. This is an example: assuming that a patient has lung cancer because they probably smoke and telling them so can be limiting and offensive. While it is a known fact that most lung cancers can be caused by nitrous agents in cigarettes and tobacco, assuming that this is a patient’s situation is insulting. There are types of lung cancers out there that have nothing to do with smoking. Another example could be assuming that a patient has gastric cancer because they eat spicy food, or skin cancer because they don’t use sunscreen, or breast cancer because they never breastfed… well, not to beat the horse dead but you get my point. Offering words of encouragement that they will get through this might be the best thing to do. Ultimately not saying anything regarding your personal opinion of their illness, might be a constructive approach to take if you are unsure about their sentiments on the issue. Sometimes, and in this case, less is more.

I hope this post throws some light on how you can be there for a loved one on their cancer journey, (besides the financial aspect of it, which again I reiterate is still a blessing to them) without having to break the bank. Thank you for wearing your shoes, holding my hand and walking alongside me on my path to healing and fighting cancer cells one tumor at a time. 

If you are a cancer patient out there feeling like you are overwhelmed and not seeing a way out, I just want you to know it will be okay! Whatever your diagnosis is, it’s not easy to say this or believe it, but IT WILL BE OK. Find out what treatment options are out there for you, and make a rational decision based on your values and what information your healthcare provider offers you. Be proactive as well, and do your own research to make the most informed decision.  Do not rely on hearsay, and verify any information or resource you come across before committing to anything. Most importantly, make a decision based on what you want, and not what others think you should do. Stay encouraged. You can do this!

I would like to share an inspirational video. Every good you do ultimately comes back to you. Karma isn’t always a bitch … sorry, sorry. Karma isn’t always bad now, is it? 😜 Watch to the end to get the message. Enjoy!

Before I go, I just want to share a message from Beyonce. She could not have said it better: “We come together in a collective effort, to raise our voices, to help our communities, to lift our spirits, and heal. Thank You.”

 

Focus on healing. More power to Pink! I’m out.

Love, Light and Keeping up the fight,
Mabih♥

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